as a young transmasculine person, thank you for sharing this. i know this isn't quite the same thing, but i'd like to share anyway. this reminds me a lot about the discourse about transitioning one's gender (mostly from outside voices, unfortunately). i've hesitated a lot on starting testosterone because i know that one of the reasons is that i want to look like other men my age. the outward-facing feminist in me is screaming, "you want to change how you look for *men*???" but it's for my convenience, not theirs. i don't have to play pretty, and i don't have to play the societal underdog either.
Another beautiful piece. Thank you for bringing stories of aesthetics under patriarchal systems of oppression. As a queer person I’ve struggled with issues regarding how I look and this definitely makes me feel less alone ❤️
I started getting Botox when I turned 40. It was 2021, and the pandemic had wreaked havoc (I have the same horizontal lines in my forehead from having an expressive face!). I told my practitioner I wanted as little as humanly possible. I was very surprised by how much I liked the results, and I felt guilty about it. However, it reduced my screen headaches massively, and no one asked me what was wrong all the time anymore (I have Resting Concerned Face). I get it every six months or so, and a low dose. I don't think it makes me less of a feminist, and not for nothing, I know plenty of cis men who get a little too. I understand why folks have strong feelings about it, though. To each their own.
Indeed, more and more cis men are getting it. (Along with every other demographic--lol!)
Glad it works for you. And yeah, I'm glad I finally gave in too. I don't go with a light dose though, as I do work out a lot and the effect fades more quickly because of that.
I work out a lot too, and it doesn't seem to wear off as fast as they warned me it might? Who knows why. Everyone has different body chemistry.
The place I get it charges by the area and not the unit, which is nice because my forehead requires a lot more than the space between my eyes or the crow's feet!
That's cool! I'm glad it has staying power for you. And by area is a nice way to go. The training program I go to is great (and very low cost, comparatively), and I'm definitely going to book a session with the advanced team so I can get my neck done. :)
I admire the courage it takes to improve their appearance. If someone has the means, then by all rights: do so.
Our faces are the first thing other people see. So if we are, as the author states, are in public facing roles it matters.
Subconsciously, I believe, human beings have a bias for pretty. I can imagine how intoxicating it is to be around pretty. It’s like a magnetic pull. It says, “I’m symmetrical, I’m fecund and full of life.”
Being around pretty is choosing life.
I put down my phone.
I’m looking at my face. I’m looking at how untouched it is. I don’t even have decorative tattoos—only medical ones.
I love my face. I love my body. I think I am tomboyishly beautiful.
It took a while to get here. My mother’s side of the family called me ugly. I was called ugly—and dumb—for what seemed like every day. I didn’t look Asian so much so the hospital thought my mom and I didn’t belong together. As a result I was separated from my very brown mother at birth.
I looked like my white father growing up. I was teased for being beluga whale white.
I couldn’t tan. I stayed out of the sun. Staying out of the sun made me embrace a Goth aesthetic and goofily, I spent my late teens thinking I could embrace a vampiric look. It kept me out of the sun even more and a bit depressed. Oops.
Balance is necessary.
Today, I wouldn’t want to change my face or body too radically. Four years ago, I cut off my long locks for a choir boy haircut. Then, because I was graying and didn’t want my face to be mismatched with my hair color I dyed it blonde at the top.
I was tired of my hair looking orange. My cousins and sister started copying me—or so I like to think! My mother’s culture is obsessed with looks, by the way. Almost over night I see my Asian cousins on Facebook with blonde locks and I marvel at their looks and choices.
I only want to preserve it and care for it. I want my face to look “rested.”
I recently got a consult for Botox on my 1. It’s not quite an 11* but I don’t want to look tough or mad. I’m getting one injection there.
I don’t have crows feet and my laugh line would probably be the only thing I would “firm up” but that will be addressed with micro-needling.
The areas where I have aged are my neck and my eyelids—I’ll be doing micro-needling there to get my body to respond in such a way that my own body’s collagen revitalizes the area.
I work out—and since I started reading your pub, I’m inspired to do more weights over cardio. I want my legs and arms to be firmer—not necessarily look former, but if my body gets ripped, well, great.
When I visualize how I want my body to look—now that I’m well into my 50s—I want it to be healthy, and feel healthy. I do visualize a respective look as a result of the work I’ll be doing on me, but the objective is to feel it/be it first.
I know I want this foundation solidified because I know what it’s like to have a level of attractiveness yet lacking that healthy narcissism.
I know my younger selves felt it to be such a mismatch—to feel terrible on the inside, yet hottie on the outside. It wasn’t a congruous feeling.
Looks, for me, come secondary. It’s the inside that matters.
*the 11’s:
It’s the area between a person’s brows. They’re vertical lines that mimic the numeral and they make a person look angry.
Thank you! I’m happy I’ve allowed myself the time and prioritize the work on my self-esteem and ego strength.
I also think when people choose to do work on the outside, they are invariably are doing the work on the inside. They’re matching the outside with their glorious insides.
Your pictures alone demonstrate a former self that was very attractive—your post tox visage shows someone who is celebrating their vitality. With bare shoulders and confident smile, which self would I have a cup of tea with?
Both. But I’d find myself smiling around your current self.
I’m camera shy, but I’m hoping the weights will help me ease out of that shyness. Maybe I’ll post progress in my Substack? A poem would accompany it more than likely though.
And, thank you for writing—it’s very inspirational. It’s something that I like having modeled for me.
as a young transmasculine person, thank you for sharing this. i know this isn't quite the same thing, but i'd like to share anyway. this reminds me a lot about the discourse about transitioning one's gender (mostly from outside voices, unfortunately). i've hesitated a lot on starting testosterone because i know that one of the reasons is that i want to look like other men my age. the outward-facing feminist in me is screaming, "you want to change how you look for *men*???" but it's for my convenience, not theirs. i don't have to play pretty, and i don't have to play the societal underdog either.
100%. I hope you feel empowered to live your life authentically and as aligned as possible. The gender euphoria is its own reward.
Another beautiful piece. Thank you for bringing stories of aesthetics under patriarchal systems of oppression. As a queer person I’ve struggled with issues regarding how I look and this definitely makes me feel less alone ❤️
You are FAR FROM alone, my friend! And we all feel that way, and suffer in silence. Glad to bring the bullhorn. :)
I started getting Botox when I turned 40. It was 2021, and the pandemic had wreaked havoc (I have the same horizontal lines in my forehead from having an expressive face!). I told my practitioner I wanted as little as humanly possible. I was very surprised by how much I liked the results, and I felt guilty about it. However, it reduced my screen headaches massively, and no one asked me what was wrong all the time anymore (I have Resting Concerned Face). I get it every six months or so, and a low dose. I don't think it makes me less of a feminist, and not for nothing, I know plenty of cis men who get a little too. I understand why folks have strong feelings about it, though. To each their own.
Indeed, more and more cis men are getting it. (Along with every other demographic--lol!)
Glad it works for you. And yeah, I'm glad I finally gave in too. I don't go with a light dose though, as I do work out a lot and the effect fades more quickly because of that.
I work out a lot too, and it doesn't seem to wear off as fast as they warned me it might? Who knows why. Everyone has different body chemistry.
The place I get it charges by the area and not the unit, which is nice because my forehead requires a lot more than the space between my eyes or the crow's feet!
That's cool! I'm glad it has staying power for you. And by area is a nice way to go. The training program I go to is great (and very low cost, comparatively), and I'm definitely going to book a session with the advanced team so I can get my neck done. :)
I admire the courage it takes to improve their appearance. If someone has the means, then by all rights: do so.
Our faces are the first thing other people see. So if we are, as the author states, are in public facing roles it matters.
Subconsciously, I believe, human beings have a bias for pretty. I can imagine how intoxicating it is to be around pretty. It’s like a magnetic pull. It says, “I’m symmetrical, I’m fecund and full of life.”
Being around pretty is choosing life.
I put down my phone.
I’m looking at my face. I’m looking at how untouched it is. I don’t even have decorative tattoos—only medical ones.
I love my face. I love my body. I think I am tomboyishly beautiful.
It took a while to get here. My mother’s side of the family called me ugly. I was called ugly—and dumb—for what seemed like every day. I didn’t look Asian so much so the hospital thought my mom and I didn’t belong together. As a result I was separated from my very brown mother at birth.
I looked like my white father growing up. I was teased for being beluga whale white.
I couldn’t tan. I stayed out of the sun. Staying out of the sun made me embrace a Goth aesthetic and goofily, I spent my late teens thinking I could embrace a vampiric look. It kept me out of the sun even more and a bit depressed. Oops.
Balance is necessary.
Today, I wouldn’t want to change my face or body too radically. Four years ago, I cut off my long locks for a choir boy haircut. Then, because I was graying and didn’t want my face to be mismatched with my hair color I dyed it blonde at the top.
I was tired of my hair looking orange. My cousins and sister started copying me—or so I like to think! My mother’s culture is obsessed with looks, by the way. Almost over night I see my Asian cousins on Facebook with blonde locks and I marvel at their looks and choices.
I only want to preserve it and care for it. I want my face to look “rested.”
I recently got a consult for Botox on my 1. It’s not quite an 11* but I don’t want to look tough or mad. I’m getting one injection there.
I don’t have crows feet and my laugh line would probably be the only thing I would “firm up” but that will be addressed with micro-needling.
The areas where I have aged are my neck and my eyelids—I’ll be doing micro-needling there to get my body to respond in such a way that my own body’s collagen revitalizes the area.
I work out—and since I started reading your pub, I’m inspired to do more weights over cardio. I want my legs and arms to be firmer—not necessarily look former, but if my body gets ripped, well, great.
When I visualize how I want my body to look—now that I’m well into my 50s—I want it to be healthy, and feel healthy. I do visualize a respective look as a result of the work I’ll be doing on me, but the objective is to feel it/be it first.
I know I want this foundation solidified because I know what it’s like to have a level of attractiveness yet lacking that healthy narcissism.
I know my younger selves felt it to be such a mismatch—to feel terrible on the inside, yet hottie on the outside. It wasn’t a congruous feeling.
Looks, for me, come secondary. It’s the inside that matters.
*the 11’s:
It’s the area between a person’s brows. They’re vertical lines that mimic the numeral and they make a person look angry.
Well, you look great, work or no!
And thank you for the thoughtful and insightful comment. Yes, inside is the most important and where self-esteem starts, for sure.
Let me know how the bodybuilding goes!
Thank you! I’m happy I’ve allowed myself the time and prioritize the work on my self-esteem and ego strength.
I also think when people choose to do work on the outside, they are invariably are doing the work on the inside. They’re matching the outside with their glorious insides.
Your pictures alone demonstrate a former self that was very attractive—your post tox visage shows someone who is celebrating their vitality. With bare shoulders and confident smile, which self would I have a cup of tea with?
Both. But I’d find myself smiling around your current self.
I’m camera shy, but I’m hoping the weights will help me ease out of that shyness. Maybe I’ll post progress in my Substack? A poem would accompany it more than likely though.
And, thank you for writing—it’s very inspirational. It’s something that I like having modeled for me.